me

 

This one is going to be deep and personal.

My walk with God has made up the biggest points in my life. I grew up in a Christian home. My parents found the Lord ten years before I was born. Their testimony is one of the life changing ones and I have always been really proud of their decision to follow the Lord. They have lived their life for the past 28 years following God to the best of their ability. I’ve seen them go through struggle and heartbreak but better than that I have seen them shine. They are glowing role models of a Christian couple, parents, and individual people.

My testimony has been a little crazy. Even though I have known God my whole life, I’ve struggled. My main struggle throughout middle school and especially high school was that I felt I didn’t have a lot of friends. I didn’t have a core group of people I could call on when I needed it. I spent a lot of nights at home watching tv by myself. I tried my best to fit in, I was on sports teams and in clubs but I never felt I got that amazing inseparable friendship to anyone. I passed through people and I called myself a friend hopper because I didn’t have a best friend for more than a few months. I had and still have major self-esteem issues, and I just wasn’t one of “those girls” who was looked at and admired and everyone wanted to be friends with. I have hard, fast and unshakable opinions and when your 13 and 14 that trait doesn’t make you a lot of friends. I don’t want to sound like this is a pity party. I had friends. I had a group of about seven other girls and we hung out. One of those girls is my best friend now, but that wasn’t always the case.

Like I said I’ve always gone to church and felt I had a relationship with God even when I went through a little bit of rebellion. I’m not going to go into all the details because I’ve done it so many times before and I don’t blame anyone but myself but I got a little too curious to know what the other side of my life could be like and I dove head first into it. I basically lost all my friends my junior year of high school and had a very very small amount of friends. Probably the reason I have difficulty talking about this now is that I loved that time of my life. I had fun, I did whatever I felt like doing and had no scope of how deep of a hole I was falling into.

But God pulled me out. The highlight of every summer since third grade was church camp. I loved church camp. The summer between my junior and senior year I went for the innocent fun the week, not God. I knew and told my friends that I would be home in a week but I could text while I was there. I told them I would come out of this camp unchanged but I always loved camp so I had to go. God had a very different plan.

Long story short, The camp’s theme was “Messed Up”. The first couple days were about figuring out where you stood with God. There were only a few options but I only remember mine, “running from God”. I know my counselor Sarah knew exactly where I was at before I did. She pushed me to come face to face with it and the second to last day of camp I recommitted my life to following God. I knew the teachings, don’t drink, don’t disobey laws, don’t lie to your parents and before I left for camp I was blatantly disobeying them. I knew if I was going to commit I was going all in.

So this is where it gets a little messy. I told my friends about what was going on at camp. I told them I’m coming out of camp changed and that I had to stop the grossitys in life and commit to God’s plan, and in hindsight, I should have said it just like that. But I didn’t. I accused and blamed and was down right mean. I know that now and have owned up to all of that.

So now in the story, it’s the last day of camp. I have ZERO friends. I am not over exaggerating when I express this. I spent the last five weeks of summer communicating with no one. I watched Gossip Girl (GREAT SHOW), ate a lot of food and rearranged my room a few times. To fast forward a bit during the school year I reconnect with old friends and eventually start to be best friends with Kiley who showed me forgiveness and love and we leaned on each other as a lot of bullies tried to tear us to shreds senior year.

Leaving camp I knew what I was walking into. I decided to make my commitment to God and I knew that I wouldn’t regret that decision ever and I haven’t. I will admit that since I have made my recommitment I have done some pretty nasty things that could potentially make people question my faith. I don’t think it’s right to question anyone’s faith but I am guilty of doing it. I am a very flawed human being. I am judgemental and passive aggressive and a huge gossip, I don’t like that I am these things and I strive every day to be a better person. I love that I have a God that loves me anyway. That God loves me despite the fact that I have been a crappy Christian and that I haven’t been a good person at times.

I’ve learned what positions I can allow myself to get into. I know where I start to stumble. My walk with God is a big learning process. I’ve been mean and I haven’t shown God’s love but along with every person who believes in God’s love, I hope that my actions have never turned anyone away from God. That I haven’t personally affected anyone in such a way that they have given up on God

I hope no one looks to me as the best example of a Christian ever. I do not hold the title well. I honestly believe that it is a sucky title to hold because as a Christian the world holds you to a higher standard and it is unreachable. I will never be as good as the Christ himself but every day I am making efforts to figure it out. Some people believe that tattoos are a sin and that you shouldn’t pierce or mark your body, God has not put that conviction on me. Some people believe you shouldn’t drink as a Christian (besides the fact that it’s illegal to drink under 21), I believe that everyone needs to learn for themselves what is their personal limit. (People in my family drink but I have never seen any of them out of control or sketchy to the point where I am worried about them.) I believe the downfall is when people put too much pressure on Christians to be perfect. Yes, we, as Christians, are called to be examples but I do believe that humans will never be the perfect example. There was only one perfect person and that is Jesus.

I have run to and from God in my life. I want to show God’s love to everyone and I know that sometimes big statements like that are crazy. I honestly don’t know what that means in the big picture, maybe that means this blog, maybe I’m going to end world hunger. I have no idea who I am going to become as I grow with God, but I know He has a plan for me and He has a plan for you and I believe that with every inch of my being.

 

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